Spank vs no spanking?

Posted by: Brigitte Rozario  @ parenthot.com

Is it okay to spank or cane your child? It's an age-old question. Some people believe that if you spare the cane, you will spoil the child. Others advocate there is never a good enough reason to resort to hitting, spanking or caning the child.

Let's see what two people say about this issue.

Audrey Lee (not her real name), mother of three girls aged seven to 13:

I do spank my children but it's extremely rare. It's only on occasions when they simply do not listen and it could endanger them. In such situations, I would spank them there and then. It's a good way to discipline them so they learn to respect the laws and rules.

I would usually spank them on the bum and hands - not hard enough to leave any scars yet painful enough that they will think twice before being naughty or disobedient again in future.

Naturally I feel bad about spanking them - they are my babies, after all!

In general, I don't think that girls should be spanked less than boys just because they are girls. But, I think girls do get spanked less simply because they are usually less robust and more well behaved than boys.

I myself was occasionally spanked as a child and I think it should be done when they really do not listen and if the consequences could be detrimental to them.

Spanking is always a last resort. It is always better to explain to them why they shouldn't do something.

I don't spank them anymore because they're now big enough to understand when I explain to them why they should not misbehave.

Ruth Liew

Child developmentalist, parenting author and Star columnist Ruth Liew:

I would never tell parents that it's okay to spank if they can't help it or if they feel they have to, because I know there are people out there who can't control themselves and they go overboard.

You have to ask yourself, does caning or spanking ever work in the long run? After so many years in this field, I want parents to start thinking for themselves and ask themselves 'Is it really that bad that I have to punish my child or cane him? Are there any other solutions or anywhere else I can turn?'

For example, if you're stuck in the house with a child who is very active and you try to discipline the child and you get very upset with the child and with yourself. Sometimes, you don't want people to keep telling you that you're not doing a good job, or your husband to tell you that you're not being firm. So, you have all of these other things coming into play. Then you say, 'Okay, I'm going to just do it. Once and for all spank my child just to make sure he knows what he's doing is wrong.'

Is that going to help him? Are you spanking for his own good or is it for you?

I want parents to think about it - is your child a criminal that you should lock him in the bathroom or spank him?

Think about it - this little tiny toddler can really create big problems. But he is small enough that you can lift him up, take him elsewhere and tell someone 'I really can't handle him. Can you take him for a few days? I'm sorry, I just can't do it. I need a break.' Come back later and look at the situation again.

Or you can remove your child from that situation, make sure he's safe and tell him 'I'm not going to deal with you now. I'm going to walk away and have a cup of tea and I'll come back to deal with you later.'

When you remove yourself from that anger and that hot situation, you come back and say 'Hey, you know, I'm sure he'll never do it again and to ensure that, I'm removing that item from the house.'

We have choices - we can inflict pain or we can talk; we can punish or we can talk.

I used to talk to my daughter and explain to her why a particular behaviour is not acceptable rather than spank her. And, because she grew up that way, she now doesn't understand why parents hit their children when they have other choices.

You have to see the bigger picture. It's not just about hitting. It's easy to talk about hitting - you hit the child, he stops doing whatever he was doing and that's it. In our parents' time, they had no choice. They didn't know any better then. Now, we know better.

Don't you have any other ideas than using the cane?

The anti-spanking group will say there is research to back them up while the spanking group says there are studies to show that not everybody turns out bad because of spanking.

Whether you say it's the right thing to do or not, you need to consider whether the person spanking the child is doing it for the right reasons or if they're doing it to release tension.

If you really don't agree with spanking, then walk away. Although the urge to spank or hit is there, you can walk away just like you can walk away from any temptation.

I used to tell parents that instead of moving towards their child - because they have to move forward to hit the child - take one step backwards and take five minutes before doing anything. Then ask yourself, do I want to do it? If you take time to ask yourself this question, then your anger will subside a little bit, you'll feel more in control, you'll feel more reasonable, then the chances of you hurting the child will be less.